Today I’m suppose to write a letter to an ex-boyfriend, though I almost decided to push this to another day, as this may be a difficult one for me to write, I’m going to suck it up and get to it.
It’s almost been officially a year since meeting you, and I can’t even begin to list the many things you and I have gone through in what I would call a short amount of time. I’m sure you’d agree we’ve been to hell and back in all aspects of the words. Who knew the guy across the bar, that super bowl Sunday I decided to buy a drink for and who apparently was diggin me for a lil bit (as told by a mutual friend) would turn my life upside down in more ways than one. You let me in to some pretty big secrets of your life, both bad and good and at one point I feel like you let me break down some walls that you may have never broken down before. I came to learn more about you via your friends, family and lack there of both. I allowed you to get close to me after almost 4 years of not letting anyone in. You were my best friend.
Now for the difficult part. When our relationship came to end, yes it was a bit of a rough adjustment for me, as I was use to hearing from you on a daily and being with you constantly, and for us to be friends we needed to bring that down to a minimum. I won’t fight with honesty and bluntly say at one point I wasn’t over you and you are partly to blame for that, as you kept antagonizing the situation. Now this past month, you laid some pretty jarring news on me via a text message that I wasn’t ready for. You told me that you were going to be a daddy. Now, I’ll be honest- I was sick to my stomach and had no clue how to take it. I at this point had found happiness with someone and I know that’s the only reason why you said anything to me, because you knew then I was ‘occupied’ but in my head I couldn’t help but think you’d only been with her 3 months/and we’d been broken up 3 months. When I did the math, looks like she got pregnant only a couple weeks after we’d broken up and you had known this news for sometime as it seemed a good amount of mutual friends did as well, and the one thing you always said to me was “don’t make me look dumb” well look who felt like a dumb ass now. It didn’t so much hurt me you were with someone, but that someone I considered a best friend, more less lied and kept information from me. You mentioned you kept it from me because you didn’t want to hurt me-which I’ll never fully understand that statement. Because prolonging it and the events that lead up to that moment made it worse.
It took me a little bit to digest the information and understand it, and you know what I can say I’m sincerely happy for you.I’ve moved on and have grown and have found a happy place in my life, and if this life altering experience brings you happiness than I’m truly happy for you and wouldn’t want to cheat you of that. I honestly think that this situation may be one of the biggest most important impacts of your life and you may have needed this, as everything happens for a reason.
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to hate you, I wanted nothing to do with you as you had this way of putting some indirect blame on me and for what I’m not sure why? I have emotions and I have feelings but I’m not evil or vindictive. I’m not a hateful person. And for some reason, after everything I still feel like we are suppose to be friends. I’m not sure if you will ever read this or find this out and that’s fine. But just wish we could find a truths. Or at least have closure and hear “I’m sorry” for once.
I’m probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time with an amazing guy next to me, family and friends, but there’s still a void of someone I considered a truly close, if not best friend of mine. I hope that one day, we are able to be friends. I don’t want anything from you, other than friendship.
One thing is for sure, is we both needed our space, time and breathing room. You, to figure out and digest your own news and situation in life. And me, to give the man I’m dating my undivided attention and heart.
No matter how many days, months or years go by where we don’t talk- do know that there will be a friendship that will remain (from me that is). Good luck to you in life and everything that may come for you. I hope that you are the father for your child that you’ve always wanted.